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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  August 5, 2013 6:55pm-7:26pm PDT

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hit the wheaties. now, since his arrest three years ago manning has been held in solitary confinement for 23 hours a day, forced to sleep naked without pillows and sheets on his bed. but i say he deserves it. for pete's sake the guy revealed that the united states tortures. partly through his document leak but mostly by how we tortured him. well, brace yourselves, folks because yesterday the judge in the military tribunal handed down a shocking decision. >> bradley manning is not guilty. not guilty of aiding the enemy. the most serious charge against him. and one that carries with it a possible life sentence. that won't happen. >> stephen: that's right. manning was found not guilty of the most serious charge: aiding the enemy. and even more shocking, he was also found not guilty of shooting trayvon martin.
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evidently, no one is guilty of that one. now, folks, they did convict him on 20 other counts, including violating the espionage act of 1917. and i think we should all be grateful for president wilson's forward-thinking stance on cyber crime. okay. fighting al kaiser. but just listen to the slap on the wrist the judge could be giving manning. >> if you take the second and third charges which have a number of specifications included in all of them, it could amount to a total sentence of 154 years. >> stephen: 154 years? that is nothing. i mean, the guy's only 25. he could be out in time to see his great, great, great, grand
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kids play with his bones. but here's what i don't get, folks. here's what i don't get. manning is found not guilty of aiding the enemy. but he is found guilty of espionage. so then who was he spying for when he told us what the government was doing? oh, my god! he was working for the american people. oh, my god. [ cheers and applause ] make sense. we were paying his salary. you know, folks, i'm not surprised. i never trusted that bunch. do you know what they did to the indians, right? i mean, johnny depp alone. and now that we know who manning was feeding all the government secrets to, i mean, somebody should be keeping an eye on
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these people. oh, they are? oh, good. that's good to know. [ cheers and applause ] without a doubt. folks, yesterday president obama gave a major about the economy at an amazon distribution center. i think he chose amazon because they're going to start equipping congressmen with a "buy now" button. i wasn't really paying that much attention to the speech because today's president is yesterday's news. particularly if you're watching a rerun of this show. now, like every other journalist, i want to know what will happen in 2016. well, yesterday we got our first clue when hillary clinton stopped by the white house. >> she spent about two hours in the white house. the question is, what did they talk about? >> could it have some inkling of what could take place in 2016?
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>> just lunch or is it campaign 2016 just getting started? why president obama and hillary rodham clinton having a private lunch today at the white house. >> stephen: the white house! at the (sing song n) white house. what could it mean? ping, ping. we don't know. but a total absence of facts has never stopped cable news before. remember, we're the ones who broke the story that the royal baby was either a boy or a girl. and we were right. so we were all ready with our crack analysis in that for the most part we pulled it out of our cracks. >> the president doesn't have to put anything on his schedule.
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putting that we're having lunch with hillary clinton on the schedule clearly says something. >> stephen: yeah, something. don't know what though. and neither does toure. he doesn't even know what his last name is. still, a great story. but is there any information about this lunch? >> did it al fresco, that means outdoors. >> stephen: okay. outdoors. outdoors. got that. and, okay and i'm being told doors means big house with no walls and sky ceiling. we're getting some place. what else do we know? >> the president in shirt sleeves. >> they also let us know that they had grilled chicken and pasta. >> you could see in the picture some salad. there were no drinks in the picture so we don't know what was served as a beverage with their lunch. >> is it a lunch just a lunch? what's going on. >> stephen: yeah, what's going on? i mean, is a lunch just a lunch? if you eat breakfast at 11:30,
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does that make it brunch? will the gra teut be added automatically on a party of eight or more? while we're add it, could it get the cobb salad without boiled egg, blue cheese or bacon? oh, and instead of kreut ons, could i get some [bleep] news? [ cheers and applause ] or is that just off the menu? is that not available? you know what? you know what? you know what? i don't need news from the cable crowd because i can analyze the entire 2016 campaign strategy through this lunch. first of all, hillary's campaign, it is on to the on. and obviously they ate outdoors to woo the environmentalists. had the jambalaya to court gulf coast democrats. president's roled-up sleeves
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say, "i support the right to bare arms." but the lack of beverages says that under hillary, there will be no water boarding, tap or sparkling. and the grilled chicken? it was on sale at safe way. now, next up on t.c.r., check out the latest dust-up in the republican rumble between chris christie and rand pauly. when last we looked the original jersey boy ripped libertarianism which everyone knows is r-paul's b.f.f., best philosophy forever. and the good kentucky senator's response? "kiss my rebuttal." >> the people who want to criticize me and call names, they're precisely same people who are unwilling to cut the spending and their gimme me all my sandy money now.
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(crowd oohhing). >> stephen: oh, no, he di-nt. no, no, no. seriously he did not vote for sandy relief. and when it comes to a comment like that, the wasn't going to for get about it. jim? >> so if senator paul wants to start looking at where he's going to cut spending to afford defense, maybe he should start looking at cutting the pork barrel spending that he brings home to kentucky but i doubt he would because most washington politicians only care about bringing home the bacon so that they can get re-elected. >> stephen: g.o.p.-eoww! well, any response to that, randy paul, paul? >> this is the king of bacon talking about bacon. (crowd oohing).
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>> stephen: scorcher. rand paul, you really hit below the belt. which on chris christie is anywhere south of the nipples. so, folks, we want to hear from you. what's your take-away. tweet us with the hash-tag, g.o.p., l.o.l., yolo. and keep an umbrella handy because with any luck this g.o.-byesing contest will xi @ bf7é')ia3;b!,x8=px
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[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: thanks so much. folks, i don't know about you but as a little boy in south carolina, growing up, there's nothing i loved more on a rainy afternoon than playing board games with my family. the hot chocolate, the unexpected laughs, the emotional blackmail when a grown woman pressures her eight-year-old son to let mom have ventnor avenue or else she'll be out of the game. you don't want that, do you? games like risk gave me memories to last a lifetime. you know what i'm talking about, jay. i left kamchatka undefended and you stabbed me in the back. we had an alliance. there's just one problem with all that quality family time. all that time. that's why i was so happy to see this. >> board games are making a comeback but in shorter
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versions. games like scrabble and boggle and monopoly are releasing shorter versions of the games because companies say kids don't have enough time or attention span anymore. >> stephen: it's about time. it's true. kids today have tight scheduled. but how do toy makers cut down all the time kids waste enjoying themselves? >> the new monopoly empire game lets players buy big-name brands like coke and mcdonald's. games are as quick as 30 minutes. to speed things up, there's no more "go to jail" command. >> stephen: that's right. no jail so it's faster and it teaches kids what it's really like to work on wall street. [ cheers and applause ] folks, i say this is just what our kids need. you think chinese children are playing with tine owe top hats and thimbles? no. they're making tiny top hats and thimbles. i say we bring this kind of
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merciless clock management to all of our children's games. i mean it takes forever to play sorry. so let's make it apology accepted and get on with our lives. and who has an afternoon to hunt and peck around a battleship board? just put in the d.v.d. of battleship the movie and no one will want to play. in fact, folks, i've designed my own high-speed board game for kids on the go. it's called "stephen colbert's super coin toss." here's how it works. it all takes place in the enchanted realm of quarterria, all right? each player has farmers, soldiers, merchants and bandits. and the object is to cultivate enough grain that the merchants can sell to pay the soldiers to protect you from your opponent's bandits. and of course there are two giant robots who box. i can't wait.
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brandon, do you want to come in here and play with me? brandon, everybody. okay. brandon, there's the game for you. are you ready to do this? >> you bet. all right. to start, we put our tokens -- i've got a car and you've got a chicago sky scraper -- one space from the finish line. there you go. and whoever goes first wins the game. now, to determine that, we flip the medallion of fate which is designed to look exactly like a u.s. quarter, sold separately for $5. are you ready for some fun, brandon? >> i'm ready. stephen: call it in the air. heads. stephen: heads. god-damn-it. get out. get out, you cheater.
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[bleep]. yeah, go home to your cheating family, cheater. god, that took forever. we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has a new book called "home wrd bound: why women are embracing the new domesticity." i hope she appreciates how i slaved all day over these questions. please welcome emily matchar. [ cheers and applause ] good to see you. all right. you're a journalist. you've written about culture. you write the atlantic and the "washington post." the hair pin. all right. your new book is called "home ward bound: why women are embracing the new domesticity."
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are you talking about like traditional gender roles? is that what you're talking about? are we talking like 50 shades of gray situation? we can move some paper right now. >> i'm sorry. not exactly. the new domesticity is a social movement where really seeing young people, women but also men, reembracing these sort of lost domestic arts and practices, everything from knitting and canning to raising chickens in their backyard. >> stephen: why would they be doing this? you can get, i mean, canning, you know, there's almost nothing cheaper than a can of food. you know what i mean? and if it's dented or bulging, they'll pay you to take it away. what is the reason why... let's say for a moment that this is a movement. what do you define by movement? how many people have to be involved in it for it to be a movement because i thought, excuse me, i thought women were leaning in now. it sounds like you're saying they're leaning out.
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which way are women leaning or are you saying there are different types of women in the world? >> there are certainly are many types of women in the world. >> stephen: are you leaning in or leaning out? >> leaning in i think would not have been written if everyone was leaning in. she wouldn't have to tell people to lean in. we're seeing people on all these different fronts. we're seeing a huge increase in people who are cooking at home. things like canning is is just exploding. >> stephen: do you can? my husband does. stephen: he's the one who wears the skirt in the family. no offense. i bet he looks great in it. >> pickles are very good. stephen: all right. i think that's a line from 50 shades of gray. oh, my god. his pickles are so good, i think she said. is this a liberal thing or a hippy-dippy like crunchy granola come ewen, love baby, you know, let's not get married. let's actually raise chickens
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instead kind of? is it a liberal thing or is it a conservative thing? because i need to know which side to take there. >> one of the really interesting things about it is that you have people who are your typical left liberal portlandian caricatures who are pickling everything and people who are very conservative. you have very religious, you know, mormon housewives in provo utah who are selling clothes on etsy. it crosses one of these lines which is why i find it interesting. >> is one of the reasons that women are staying home in this new domesticity is that there are just no jobs? you can call it a movement or you could say i got way too much free time on my hands. [ cheers and applause ] >> well, that is a big part of it because, you know, people... the recession, people aren't finding jobs when they want them. even when they have jobs they may not be full time or they may
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be dissatisfied with them. people are looking for other ways to get fulfillment. >> stephen: is this a rejection of like corporatism at the same time? >> i think it is. i think a lot of the people that are involved in this movement, they're worried about food. they're worried about factory farms. they've seen the youtube tube videos of all these chickens in the factory farms. >> stephen: what's wrong with corporatism? i mean, you get to go to work for 80 hours a week and work underneath fluorescent lights and then when you come home, you have an hour every night to weep silently over your sleeping child. >> well, i think a lot of the people in my book who are in their 20s or 30s saw their parents doing basically that. their parents are the baby boomers. they're saying, not that they are going to all drop out of the work force and be stay at home parents but that they don't want that. they don't want this 80-hour workweek and not spending time with their family. if you survey members of so-called gen-y they're...
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>> stephen: which one are you? gen-y... >> i am the oldest end of gen-y. stephen: me too. thank you so much for joining me. :n]nn/0h .tp$cñ xi @ bf7é')ia3;b!,x8=px
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that's it for the report, everybody. good night.
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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ). >> john: welcome to the "daily show." my name is john oliver. i am still sitting in for jon stewart who is spending the summer with a lonely millionaire. sigh what you will-- he's making $3,000 and he doesn't have to kiss on the mouth. so don't judge. our guest tonight stars in "lovelace," hank azaria is with us. very, very good. but we begin tonight with congress. >> a new cnn poll shows just how fed up we are with congress. 77% disapprove of how congress is handling its job. >> john: congratulations, congress. 77%. you may be about to become the english language's most offense
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of the "c" word. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) after ( bleep ). but, look, there's still two days left before the august recess. the "c" word could still pull this around. they could pass immigration reform. it's already been through the senate, so come o"c" word, let's do this. >> immigration reform. that's stuck and it has a very difficult road of getting anywhere in the house. >> john: okay, let's just be honest now-- the house is clearly where things go to die. it's where parents are going to start telling their kids their aging pets went. "oh, now, fluffy's fine, darling. she just got stuck in committe committee." ( laughter ) one challenge facing this immigration bill is-- ( laughter ) one challenge facing this immigration bill is a certain level of misinformation about the people that it is intended to help. >> they will say to me and others who would d